When He Tells You or press Esc

For the people who love a survivor

He told you. Now what?

Someone you love has told you he was sexually abused as a boy. Maybe he's your husband, your son, your brother or your friend. This site is here to help you understand what he's carrying and how to stand beside him.

If he just told you

You don't need the perfect words. These three things matter most in the first conversation.

  1. Believe him, and say so. "I believe you" may be the most important sentence you ever say to him. Many men expect not to be believed.
  2. Tell him it wasn't his fault. He was a child. Nothing he did, felt, or didn't do made it his fault.
  3. Thank him, and listen. Telling you took courage. Let him share at his own pace, without questions about details.

More on what to say, and what to avoid →

What most people don't know

Men often wait years, even decades, to tell anyone. Many fear they won't be believed, that people will question their sexuality, or that "real men" can't be victims. If he is telling you now, long after it happened, that is normal.
Boys are harmed as deeply as girls. It can just look different. Research finds similar overall harm in boys and girls. In boys and men, the hurt more often comes out as anger, risk-taking or numbness, which people can mistake for bad behavior instead of pain.
The struggles you've seen may have a root. Drinking, anxiety, stomach problems, pulling away, compulsive habits: many of these are common, understandable responses to early trauma. Knowing that can change how you see him.

Explore

What to sayWords that help, words that hurt, and how to keep supporting him after the first talk.Read → Understanding himHow abuse affects boys and men differently, and why shame and silence run so deep.Read → Body and mindAnxiety, feeling disconnected, body image and gut problems, and how they tie back to trauma.Read → Coping and compulsionsWhy drinking, drugs, compulsive sex or porn, and other habits so often follow abuse.Read → Find helpFinding a trauma-trained therapist, support groups for men, and support for you.Read →

Browsing privately

If you're worried someone might see that you visited this site, the Leave site button at the top (or the Esc key) takes you straight to Google. You can also use your browser's private or incognito window, which doesn't save your history.

Sources

  1. RAINN: How to talk with survivors of sexual violence
  2. "Nobody believes you if you're a bloke": Barriers to disclosure and help-seeking for male victims/survivors (SAGE)
  3. The influence of childhood sexual abuse on adolescent outcomes: The roles of gender, poverty, and revictimization (PMC)
  4. CDC: About adverse childhood experiences