How abuse affects boys and men

Understanding him

Much of what we hear about childhood sexual abuse centers on girls and women. Boys are harmed just as seriously, but the harm often shows up differently, and it's easier to miss.

In short

Boys and girls suffer similar overall harm. The signs can look different.
In boys, pain often turns into anger or acting out over time, which can be punished instead of understood.
Men carry an extra layer of shame: the false idea that being a victim makes them less of a man.
That shame is a big reason men often wait years or decades to tell anyone.

Similar harm, a different path

It's a common belief that abuse "hits girls harder." Research doesn't support that. One study of teenagers found that boys and girls who had been sexually abused had similar overall rates of negative outcomes. Rates of PTSD were also roughly similar.

What differed was the path. Different things made outcomes worse for boys than for girls, and the symptoms often looked different on the surface.

When pain looks like anger

Abused girls more often turn the pain inward, toward depression, anxiety and withdrawal. Abused boys often start out that way too, but over time more of them move toward anger, aggression and getting into trouble. One study found violent delinquency in about 14% of abused boys, compared with about 8% of abused girls.

Because this doesn't match what people expect a victim to look like, a boy's anger may get him punished rather than helped. If the man you love has a history of anger or trouble, it may have been his way of carrying something he couldn't say.

Studies have also found that abused boys tend to have lower self-esteem than abused girls, which was linked to more acting out.

The shame of "being a man"

Most survivors struggle with shame. Men often carry another layer on top: the cultural message that a real man can't be a victim. A study of about 487 male survivors found that the more tightly a man held to traditional ideas of manhood, like controlling emotions and relying only on himself, the worse his mental health was over time.

Some men respond by acting extra tough or "hyper-masculine" as a way of coping. That can look like strength, but it often keeps the wound from healing. What to say has ideas for making it safe for him to be vulnerable.

Why he waited so long to tell you

Men tend to disclose much later than women, often many years or even decades after the abuse. Researchers have found several reasons:

Fear of not being believed. One study of male survivors took its title from something a participant said: "Nobody believes you if you're a bloke."
Fear of what people will assume about his sexuality.
The belief that boys and men can't really be victims.

If he told you later than you think he "should" have, try not to take it personally. Getting to the point of telling anyone at all is a real step.

Confusion about sexuality

This part can be hard to read, and it's common.

When a boy is abused by a man, he may later feel confused or anxious about his sexual orientation. Some researchers call this "sexual disorientation." Some men also find themselves drawn to situations that echo the abuse, without understanding why. This is a known trauma response, a way the mind keeps trying to make sense of what happened.

It's important to understand what this does and doesn't mean. Abuse does not make someone gay, and trauma-driven behavior isn't the same as sexual orientation. A straight man can have this confusion and still be straight. A gay man's orientation was not caused by the abuse. If he shares this kind of worry with you, reassure him that it's a common effect of trauma, and that a trauma-trained therapist can help him sort through it.

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