When he tells you

What to say, and what not to

You will probably feel shock, sadness or anger when he tells you. That's normal. What he needs most in that moment is to feel believed, safe and not judged.

In short

Believe him, tell him it wasn't his fault, and thank him for trusting you.
Listen more than you talk. Don't ask for details or "why" questions.
Let him lead. It's his story, his pace and his choice who else knows.
Keep showing up after the first conversation, and get support for yourself too.

Words that help, words that hurt

Try saying

"I believe you."
"It wasn't your fault. You were a child."
"Thank you for telling me. That took courage."
"You're not alone. I'm here."
"How can I help? What do you need from me right now?"
"This doesn't change how I see you."Especially important for men who fear being seen as weak or "less of a man."

Try not to say

"Are you sure that's what happened?"Sounds like disbelief.
"Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you fight back?""Why" questions feel like blame.
"But they seemed like such a nice person."
"That was so long ago. Can't you just move on?"Healing has no deadline.
"I'm going to make him pay."Talk of revenge puts the focus on the abuser and your anger, not on him.
"You need to man up and deal with it."

How to listen

Give him your full attention. Put your phone away. Silences are okay; you don't have to fill them.
Stay as calm as you can. If he sees you fall apart, he may feel he has to take care of you, or stop talking. You can have your feelings later with someone else.
Don't ask for details. He can share what he wants, when he wants. Pressing for details can feel like an interrogation.
Don't rush to fix it. He likely isn't asking you to solve anything. Being heard is the help.
Keep his confidence. Ask him who, if anyone, he wants to know before you tell anyone else.

Why this is so hard for men

Many men grow up learning to be tough, keep their feelings to themselves and handle problems alone. Research on male survivors found that men who held more tightly to these ideas had worse mental health over the long run. Being stoic and self-reliant didn't protect them; it kept them stuck.

That means the most helpful thing you can do is make it safe for him to be vulnerable. Avoid encouraging him to "stay strong" or "push through." Let him know that feeling hurt, scared or angry doesn't make him weak.

Some men also worry that the abuse says something about their sexuality, or that no one will believe a man could be a victim. You may need to say out loud that you don't think any of those things.

After the first conversation

RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline, suggests an easy way to remember the basics: T.A.L.K.

Thank him for trusting you.
Ask how you can help.
Listen without judgment.
Keep supporting him over time.

In the weeks and months after, he may seem closer to you, or more distant. He may have a hard time accepting help or seem to pull away. These are common trauma responses, not a rejection of you. Check in gently, spend ordinary good time together, and let him set the pace of his own healing.

It also helps to learn what support is out there, so you're ready if he asks.

Take care of yourself too

Learning that someone you love was abused can bring up shock, grief, anger, helplessness and loneliness. You may also find it hard to talk to anyone because it's his story. That's a lot to carry.

Find your own support: a therapist, a trusted friend he's okay with you talking to, or a group for partners and family.
Keep your routines, rest and the things that steady you.
If his disclosure stirs up your own past, reach out for help for yourself.

As one support organization for male survivors puts it, the stronger and better supported each of you is, the better you can get through this together.

Next: Understanding him →